Byline: Lee Randall
IT WAS Francois De La Rochefoucauld, writing in the 17th century, who opined: "We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it." If only that had been my reaction when reading advice from East Anglia's Suffolk county police. Instead, it reinforced my belief that those in positions of authority are totally out of touch.
In Safe!, a spoof women's magazine designed to appeal to the younger set, they published a photo of an indelicately splayed gal with the caption: "If you've got it, don't flaunt it." This ought to confuse their target audience, since it goes against everything they have learned about acceptable public demeanour from reading Heat or watching Big Brother. That rasping noise you hear is a collective scratching of hair extensions with acrylic talons.
The accompanying story is written in a lively, gossipy tone, and advises: "For those of you intent on getting ratted this weekend, think. If you fall over or pass out, remember your skirt or dress may ride up. You could show off more than you intended - for all our sakes, please make sure you're wearing nice pants and that you've recently had a wax."
Appalling! Shall I start with their bizarre and unwarranted prejudice against pubic hair, or proceed directly to question whether they have had a mass memory failure? Surely everyone realises that from the moment of her first contraction, a woman begins channelling the spirits of her foremothers. Thus, the last thing a child hears as it hurtles toward the front door is: "Make sure you're wearing clean underwear, in case you're hit by a bus."
Many's the argument I had with my distaff relations about the absurdity of this caution. Surely, I reasoned, the impact would create such a disgusting mess that rescuers busily slicing away my garments and providing CPR would be too preoccupied to cluck, "Didn't her slattern of a mother teach this child the first thing about personal grooming?"
Christian Dior Replica HandbagsJudging from their advice, the Suffolk police also haven't the first clue about women and their wiles. If memory serves (who am I kidding, of course it does!) part of the fun and excitement of being out on the tear when you're a bouncy single gal, is the chance of rounding off your night by hooking up with a fanciable bloke. A great deal of thought goes into composing one's favourite pulling outfit (not a lot of fabric, it may often be said, but enormous contemplation) and one of the key ingredients is a pair of exceptional knickers.
This got me thinking, not about issues of safety, per se, but about various bits of advice I've received over the years. My mother, for instance, was a big one for the sensible admonishment, "Be good. And if you can't be good, be careful." (Which, come to think of it, is a succinct version of the police's warning. Had they adopted it, they could have saved money and dramatically improved distribution by having it emblazoned onto little cards which could be handed out on street corners, at off-licenses and at the entrances to clubs.)
This nugget continues to prove helpful. More helpful than the exchange we had when I was a frustrated and, I thought, elderly virgin, who announced, "If I want to have sex I'm going to have to become a prostitute." Without skipping a beat - she's fast, I'll give her that - Mom responded, "No, become a Madame. Get into management."
More infamously, my aunt weighed in with a particularly subjective bit of direction when I was agonising about the progress of a trans-Atlantic romance. Undoubtedly bored by my tortured droning, she sputtered down the phone: "Marry him for God's sake! It's time you got your first marriage under your belt."
Reader, I did marry him, but in the hopes Strap Replica Watch that he'll be my only husband, not first in the queue.
Throughout my formative years Dad offered one of these variations on a theme when troubled by childish behaviour on the part of his, er, children. Version one - inexplicably hilarious when I was 12 - went: "Act your age, not your shoe size." Version two warned: "Act your age, but try not to leave a puddle." As the years advance this becomes more puzzling, but I think Dad was simply too young at the time to be pondering incontinence and supplies of adult diapers.
Ultimately, where advice is concerned, I'm with Lord Chesterfield, who said: "I sometimes give myself admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
